Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Quagmire Causes Controversy

October 14th, 2009 - Quahog - Family Guy star, Glenn Quagmire, caused a bit of controversy yesterday while promoting his new book Men Are From Venus...Have You Seen my Penis? After his book signing at a Barnes and Noble store, a group of feminists barricaded the doors and refused to allow anyone in or out for almost an hour.
Quagmire plays the hyper-sexual neighbor of the Griffins on Family Guy. Apparently, those character traits have spilled over into his real life as well. The usually private Quagmire recently released his first book. The majority of which demeans women and portrays them only as sexual objects. Quagmire claims the book is only hyperbole and is just an extension of his famous character. Feminists groups claim he is simply bragging about his exploits and passing on his lack of respect for women everywhere. The women who were present at yesterday's protest were passing out an excerpt from the book to passers by that was labeled "Quagmire's Trash". The excerpt read:

...I could tell from the way she tossed her blond hair that she would put up no fight. I strolled across the bar room with a cigarette at the ready. As I approached I said, "Here baby put this in your mouth...oh and here's a cigarette. Giggity". She just laughed and dangled her high heel by one toe. As I leaned in to give her a light, the top of her dress hung open and I stared at her torpedoes..."giggity goo!"...

As the pamphlets were being handed out, the women protesters encouraged those listening to boycott Barnes and Noble until they removed Quagmire's new book. The protest was fairly civil until the women began barricading the doors. The police were summoned by the store's manager and several of the protesters were arrested. When asked what he thought of the incident, Quagmire said "Lonely, hot chics in jail...ALL-RIGHT!".

Dr Gorgeous Weekly Cartoon News

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Ren Höek's Friends Fear For His Life

September 29th, 2009 - Hollywoodland - "Ren Höek is going to die!" These words were spoken by Ren's long time friend Stimpson "Stimpy" J. Cat when asked how dire the situation was. Ren has battled many addictions in his past, but the last year has been especially traumatic for the actor after becoming addicted to crystal meth. As you can see from the photograph snapped by paparazzi, the diminutive actor's physical appearance is quite shocking. Teeth rotting is one of the tell tale signs of chronic meth use. Close friends say that Ren is close to the point of being unreachable.
Ren Höek and Stimpy Cat hit the peak of their popularity in the early and mid 90's with the Ren and Stimpy Show. It first aired on Nickelodeon then on MTV. By the end of the 90's, their popularity was starting to wane. Stimpy admits that they both had their episodes with drugs, but they seem to always come away with few consequences. By the end of the shows run, Stimpy was clean and sober and Ren was still partying. This was the main reason the on screen chemistry fizzled, along with the shows ratings.
Stimpy went on to marry Arlene from Garfield fame and has had several children. Ren, on the other hand, tried to keep partying. However, after a short time he found himself in trouble. In 2000, he was arrested for urinating on a fire hydrant outside Moe's Tavern in Springfield. In 2002, he was arrested in Heathrow airport for carrying 3 grams of heroine and a concealed fire arm. In 2003, he and Elroy Jetson were in a Hollywoodland night club "extremely intoxicated" and refusing to leave. The police were called and the pair was arrested for public intoxication and possession of drug paraphernalia. Ren did sober up for a short time and got through his probation. However, as soon as his legal problems went away, he began using again. Friends say it has now progressed to him mainlining crystal meth up to 15 times a day.
Fred Flintstone, whose daughter Pebbles also had a crystal meth addiction, has tried to get Ren to enter a treatment center. So far, all help has been rejected by Mr. Höek. Mr. Flintstone said, "It's only a matter of time now...Ren will either die or get to the point where he'll accept our help. An addict has to want to be helped and until then we'll have to hope for the best...yabba, dabba, doo."

Dr Gorgeous Weekly Cartoon News

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Bumbling Genie Infected with H1N1 Flu

Sepetmber 22, 2009 - Hoolywoodland Hospital sources have confirmed that "D List" celebrity Babu has contracted the H1N1 flu virus, also known as the swine flu. Doctors, at Cedars-Sinai hospital in Beverly Hills, released a statement to the media this morning. In the statement, doctors said Babu came into the emergency room on Sunday evening complaining of flu like symptoms. He was given the screening for H1N1 and it came back positive. Babu was then admitted to the hospital.
Babu played the clumsy and portly genie on the early 70's television show Jeannie. The role left him type cast and he found it very hard to find serious work. He then made the rounds on several television games shows throughout the 70's and made quite a splash with his flamboyantly gay mannerisms. He had several relationships with other popular gay stars of the time including Mildew Wolf from the Laff-A-Lympics, Popeye, and Brainy Smurf.
Long time friend Snagglepuss went to visit Babu on Monday and said he was in good spirits but pretty weak. Babu did show some encouraging signs today with a comedic, light hearted moment. When the nurse brought him his lunch he said, "Yapple Dapple. You keep feeding me this and your gonna kill me." Which made the nurse and his visitors burst into laughter.
Mildew Wolf was asked to comment on his ex-lovers condition and he released the following statement: "I'm not totally shocked that Babu came down with this flu. He doesn't take very good care of himself. His diet consists entirely of beef wieners. And he doesn't eat well either...(insert Paul Lynde laugh)."
Dr Gorgeous Weekly Cartoon News

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Former TV Partners "Shoot It Out" Over Immigration

September 20th, 2009 - Hollywoodland Former television partners Quick Draw McGraw and Baba Looey butted heads this weekend at a Legal Immigrants rally. Quick Draw and Baba Looey portrayed old west crime fighters in the hit television show The Quick Draw McGraw Show.
This weekend, however, Baba Looey and Speedy Gonzales were guest speakers at a Legal Immigrants Association rally where several immigration laws, currently in the senate, were being promoted and discussed. The rally was about to wrap up, when Quick Draw and about 20 protesters marched into the middle of the rally. The protesters carried signs with anti-immigration slogans and were chanting, "Listen to our orders, close those borders!".
The presence of the protesters made the peaceful rally turn tense. Baba Looey tried to calm the crowd down by announcing, "I theens wat meester Queek Draw meens...". However Quick Draw promptly grabbed the microphone and said, "I'll do the thinnin' round here! You emmiiigrants arrr mussin' up arrr cuntry!" Witnesses say that Quick Draw and his protesters would not relinquish control of the PA system after that. The Legal Immigrants Association decided to end the rally before any violence broke out. Baba Looey did have some words for Quick Draw before leaving, but they can not be reported in this column. Speedy Gonzales simply said to the group, "Ándale, Ándale! Árriba, Árriba! Leet's take our peeceful deemonstration to dee streets." With that, the immigrants gathered and marched away.
It was no secret, in celebrity circles, that Quick Draw and Baba Looey were not fond of each other; even during the time of their hit show. It is now obvious that their opposing political views had something to do with that.
Dr Gorgeous Weekly Cartoon News

Saturday, September 19, 2009

"Simpsons" Star Caught Drunk Behind the Wheel

September 19th, 2009 - Springfield Early this morning, Springfield Police arrested Lenny Leonard for driving while intoxicated. Police said his BMW was drifting over the center line for several blocks and he was pulled over. As they approached the vehicle, the smell of alcohol was overwhelming. Leonard was slurring his words and fumbled his wallet searching for his drivers license. The police then asked him to step out of the vehicle. As he was exiting the car, his foot got tangled in the seat belt and Mr. Leonard fell to the street. At this point, police also asked for Mr. Leonards passenger to exit the vehicle.
Paparazzi at the scene photographed Lois Griffin coming out of the front passenger seat with very little clothing on (see photo). Police say she too seemed very intoxicated and could hardly stand. Witnesses say that Mrs. Griffin kept crying out, "Please don't tell Peter!" Referring to her Family Guy costar Peter Griffin (no relation). The two did date during the initial run of the show, but have not been romantically linked in several years. Mr. Leonard is engaged to Daria Morgendorffer. At least they were engaged until this episode transpired.
Lenny Leonard was given a field sobriety test, which he failed miserably. A breathalyzer was then given and Mr. Leonard was found to be 3x the legal limit. He was arrested and his car was impounded. Lois Griffin was given a ride to the police station where she could call for a ride home. Paparazzi indicated that a visibly disgusted Freddie Jones came to the police station to get Lois Griffin. The two have been long time pals having both attended Van Nuys High Scool.
Witnesses also said that while Mr. Leonard was being unloaded from the police car, he was belligerent and began shouting racial epithets at the arresting officers.
This story will be updated after Mr. Leonard is officially charged.
Dr Gorgeous Weekly Cartoon News

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


Igloo of the Herculoids - September 16th, 2009 - One of the most beloved characters of the super group known as The Herculoids has died. The giant rock ape has lost his battle with lung cancer. Those nearest Igloo say he passed away peacefully at his home in Metropolis on Monday morning. He was surrounded by friends and family.
Igloo gained early fame in 1967 on the television show The Herculoids. He portrayed the big hearted and nearly invincible super hero on the series. He also displayed those character traits in real life and has been described by his friends as someone who was always there for advice and for helping others. After his series went off the air in 1969, he and Wally Gator (who also had a successful show around that time) founded a group that fought for the observance of the 2nd amendment. Their group, The Crusaders for the Right to Bear Arms, still has a large membership and Igloo was involved up until his death. Ironically, Wally Gator has accidentally shot himself over 40 times, but still fights for his right to do so.
Igloo was laid to rest this afternoon. All of The Herculoids were present. Gloop and Gleep turned themselves into a beautiful arrangement of gooey, flower-like masses. Zuk and Tundro both shot fire and rocks into the sky as Igloo was being lowered into his final resting place. Zandor and Tarra gave emotion filled eulogies to honor their friend. Other celebrities present were Wally Gator (on crutches from recently shooting himself in the foot), Jonny Quest, Space Ghost, Brak, Beavis, and Bart Simpson.

Dr Gorgeous Weekly Cartoon News

Tennessee Tuxedo Can and Does Fail!

September 16th, 2009 - Megapolis - Late last night, Tennesse Tuxedo (pictured here with friend Chumley) was apprehended by authorities while trying to escape from Megapolis Prison. He was working in the prison kitchen and was able to get into a bag of trash where he hid for several hours. He was then put into a garbage truck, but before it left prison grounds he was discovered by a corrections officer doing a routine check.
In 1998, Mr. Tuxedo was sentenced to 35 years in prison for burglary, grand larceny, fencing stolen goods, and mayhem. According to Zan of the Wonder Twins, Tennessee Tuxedo was the mastermind of an elaborate crime ring that was involved in the theft of priceless cartoon memorabilia of the stars. Zan turned state's evidence and was sentenced to 5 years probation. When the crime ring was busted, Tennessee and his associates were in possession of many rare pieces of cartoon history including: Bugs Bunny's Golden Carrot Lifetime Achievement Award, Superman's original cape, Homer Simpson's Mr. Plow jacket, a collection of Mickey Mouse's first animated cartoon cels, one of Captain Caveman's original clubs, and several hunting caps belonging to Elmer Fudd. Perhaps the most despicable thing the police found was the tusks of his ex-partner Chumley the Walrus. The two starred in the hit show Tennessee Tuxedo and His Tales from 1963 to 1966. This finding allowed the police to charge Mr. Tuxedo with mayhem and add several years to his sentence.
With this escape attempt, Tennessee will be getting some more prison time tacked onto his record. It looks like Mr. Tuxedo should have consulted with his old mentor Phineas J. Whooppee before trying this feeble escape.
Dr Gorgeous Weekly Cartoon News